Friday, September 14, 2012

Rambling...Missing

RamblingThoughts in No Particular Order (thoughts on paper at 11:46am Friday morning)

It doesn't feel like this was the right time.  I know everyone says this.  But I can't express how unsettled I am with this and working it out isn't easy....  I am getting more restless instead of more calm.  It wasn't an accident, it wasn't expected (not now), it was immediate and purposeful but I think not for Joshua.  That is a controversial statement and I am sorry, but it is my rambling thought process.

In the last couple days I was in another world.  I was surrounded by all things medical from gowns to masks to the air that I breathed.  Everything was medical and was provided by Stanford. I was talking to Stanford, breathing Stanford, laying on the floors of Stanford to simulate sleep... I was in Stanfordville but it wasn't happy, it was hell.

While there you get involved in the world they provide you.  You are there and everyone is doing the same thing, watching Joshua.  Watching numbers that don't mean anything at this point, at least not to staff.  Of course we are all in the same place and doing the same thing but with different perspectives.  I was wanting them to DO SOMETHING!  It felt fixable.  I wanted them to change their minds.  Don't look at the "case" but look at Joshua who ALWAYS defies statistics and case studies. 

When you are in the medical world, the hell of Stanfordville, your mind gets boggled.  You don't know what time it is, you don't know what day it is, you don't know what the weather is, you don't know anything except Josh's Pips, BP, Pusle, Resp, o2, etc... You get consumed.  And when you go days watching someone so vibrant and alive become so quiet and still it is of course heartwrenching and inconceivable, but remember, we are all doing the same thing and we all grieve together and we all lose it together.. and the rest is a blur.  But eventually you get in the car and you leave Stanfordville and you greet life, which has kept moving while you witnessed a life altering event. 

How can life keep going?  Weren't we all stopped and honoring one of the most amazing people ever?  Nope.  Life kept moving and then we had to.  Climbing in the car and heading to exit Stanfordville - you have to pay to leave.  I lost my ticket to this fargin place.  I also lost my son.  Did the ticket guy care?  Nope. "$12 please!"  Seems like you should get a free exit ticket under those circumstances, or be given a rose instead of a bill?  I don't know.  

Further on down the road I met more real life. and more and more and more.  In the form of cashiers for food (we forgot to feed kids well) and in the form of bad drivers (they would be more kind if they knew).

Eventually we were home and I crashed.  I went straight to bed despite my plan to wash Stanfordville off of me.  On the way home I obsessed with taking a shower.  I wanted to wash the germs, the air, the smell, the 'everything Stanford' off of my body.  Sleep deprivation and sadness won.

This morning I woke up after a restless night of bad dreams and images and regrets and thoughts... and sure enough, real life was here.  I wasn't in Stanfordville and in my real life.. in my home I was greeted (not kindly) with stupid fucking reality and it was like Joshua died all over again.  It didn't happen 10 hours ago, it happened JUST NOW.  I cried, I mourned, I shivered, I felt naseous.  

Guess what, the kids shifted me and I moved on for some time, making breafast, getting a movie on TV, hollered at Joshua... I mean Elijah :(  Cried because I can't call out to Joshua anymore.  And guess what..... JOSHUA DIED ALL OVER AGAIN.  JUST NOW!  Not 12 hours ago.  

I am starting to realize that this isn't done.  It won't be done. It will be continual.  I am overwhelmed. I am mad.  I am sad.  I am worried.... and I am missing him so much.

Death sucks.

Again, Rambling, but NEEDED to write... needed it.  And you know what, I think I got more coming.  

Please excuse me for a moment when I say to all those that knew Joshua... 

WE ARE ALL MISSING SOMETHING THAT IS INDESCRIBABLE AND PAINFUL AND WHILE HE LEFT US A GAZILLION GREAT STORIES AND LAUGHS... HE LEFT US... AND THAT MAKES ME GASP FOR AIR.

Please excuse me for a moment when I say to all those that didn't know Joshua...

YOU THINK YOU ARE OK... :)  AND YOU ARE MOSTLY BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW... BUT I AM HERE TO ENLIGHTEN YOU... YOU ARE MISSING SOMETHING INCREDIBLE IN YOUR LIFE AND UNFORTUNATELY YOU CAN'T GO GET IT ANYMORE, IT'S SOLD OUT.  BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY YOU MISSED OUT ON SOMETHING INCREDIBLE TO NOT HAVE HAD YOUR DOSE OF JOSHUA.  HE WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU, MADE YOU MAD, PISSED YOU OFF, TOLD YOU THE WAY IT WAS, HE WOULD HAVE MADE YOU LAUGH, MADE YOU THINK, MADE YOU EVALUATE, MADE YOU LOVE.  HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERSON YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET.

If you question that at all, go read his wall.  

TODAY SUCKS.  I AM SCARED TOMORROW WILL SUCK.  IN FACT, I THINK THAT I HAVE SOME SUCKINESS IN EVERY SINGLE DAY GOING FORWARD BECAUSE JOSHUA IS NO LONGER HERE.  I just hope he figures out how to spiritually be a part of my days, cause I need him.  WE need him.

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