Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Happening On The Inside

41 days.

It has been 41 days since I walked out of Stanford in the most surreal state of mind.
41 days ago I left Joshua's room in tears and ended up in the cafeteria buying chocolate milk and chili for the kids (I wasn't thinking)
How could I, 41 days ago, smile at a passerby headed into Stanford as I was headed out?
How could I, 41 days ago, find a second to laugh with friends on a bench outside of Stanford less than two hours after I (we) lost Joshua James Mompean?
41 days ago I changed forever and felt a loss of breath that nearly took me to my knees, but nobody knows that, because that was happening on the inside.

39 days.

It has been 39 days since Kim and I went to Sorelle Winery with Dave Mompean and the KOB band to play an already scheduled event.
How could I, 39 days ago, care about making good on a commitment and do business? How could I, 39 days ago, get up, get the kids dressed, help hump gear and smile at strangers that were enjoying blues and wine?
39 days ago I was numb.  I was scared, I was ignoring, I was breaking, I was fearful, but nobody knows that, because that was happening on the inside.
I must be ok because I smiled.

38 days.

38 days ago Kim and I packed the kids in the car and headed to the coast to find air. We went to the beach and we laughed, we tickled, and we stopped for ice cream.  How could I, 38 days ago, laugh?  Eat?  Play in the sand?  
38 days ago I talked and cried with Kim while we talked about Josh and while we drove in silence while the kids slept.  38 days ago we still were unable to breathe and lived a lie where we pretended that we were ok for the sake of the kids, but nobody knows that because that was happening on the inside.
I must be ok because I was laughing with my kids and enjoying a sundae.

30 days.

30 days ago Kim went back to work.  I went back to work the week before. We went back to work and we wrote reports, we went to meetings, we made phone calls, and we did our job. How could I, 30 days ago, go back to work?  
30 days ago I was fucking pissed at the world and at all the people in it for "moving on" and expecting either Kim or I to do the same.  30 days ago I was so filled with anger I wanted to scream and hurt myself to make the pain visible, but nobody knows that because that was happening on the inside.
I must be ok because I am back to work.

25 days.

25 days ago we were at another gig with KOB at Whirlow's.  Playing music intensely, rocking our hips, dancing with the kids, surrounded with friends. How could I, 25 days ago be having so much fun?
25 days ago I was in so much pain.  We were in so much pain.  Kim dropped down in tears before he walked out the door to play, crying for his son.  I cried along side him because I couldn't stand to be inside Whirlow's - the place so many people had rallied around us to support Joshua and Kim while Joshua was at Grossmont.  Whirlow's, the place we told EVERYONE we would bring Joshua when he was home so we could CELEBRATE him and introduce him to people because we are proud of him and want people to know OUR hero.  25 days ago I was weak and aching, but nobody knows that because that was happening on the inside.
I must not care because I am putting "fun" before Joshua.

The point is, EVERYDAY for the last 41 days I am sure that I appear to be fine.  I am sure that I appear to not care.  I am sure that I appear to not give a shit about anyone other than myself.  I am told that I am hurting people's feelings, that I am letting people down, that I am disrespecting family or that I am disrespecting... Joshua.  
How could I, EVERYDAY, be so selfish?
EVERYDAY I am struggling to keep myself and my husband and our family and our kids and our life and our hearts and our minds from imploding.  EVERYDAY I am looking for a distraction, an escape, an excuse to ignore my most painful reality.  EVERYDAY I am hurting, aching, crying, yelling, short tempered, and hurt.  EVERYDAY I am struggling.  EVERYDAY I am forgiving everyone around me for not knowing or caring that I am on the brink of crumpling from the pressures.  EVERYDAY I am a $uc&ing mess.  EVERYDAY I want to scream at people that say little things that are hurtful, harmful, judgmental.  EVERYDAY I want to tell people to get over there little problems because they do not have a son that:

won't be here for Elijah's birthday
won't be here to hear dad play his heart out
won't be here to open a Christmas present
won't be here so I can get one more hug
won't be here so I can say sorry and I love you a gazillion times for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I ever did to hurt them intentionally or unintentionally
won't be here to say I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
won't be here to tell Sarah she is a good kid and a great sister
won't be here to sing happy birthday to Dad, Jake, Harmony, Baby Conner, ALL OF US!
won't be here to offer a laugh in a quiet room at the most perfect time
won't be here.
won't be here.
won't be here.

And yes, I SAID SON! I am tired of being less than what HE TOLD ME I WAS! I am his MOM and he is my son... and that in no way DIMINISHES IN THE SLIGHTEST that he is also Sandy's son. She made him. She birthed him. She brought him in this world with Kim to share with all of us and has made us better for it.  SHE IS HIS MOM! And I am his MOM!  And SHELL is his MOM... we all MOM'D him! And Joshua, from his lips, told me that he saw me as a MOM and he was glad to have so many.

I think I am still angry.  41 days and I am still $uc&ing pissed.

41 days and I just want to crumple.  And I want to be loved.  And I want to love.  And I want to stop fighting. And I want to be here for people. And I want to do what I can do best which is to CARE and to SUPPORT and I NEED to not be judged because the WAY I do what I do is DIFFERENT from others... it does not reduce my care, my hurt, my LOVE for Joshua or for any of my family.  I am NOT disrespecting anyone.  That is real.  Whatever it feels like, I can guarantee you, it is NOT disrespect, it is me… trying to be ok.  And from my heart to God's heart to Joshua's heart... I am not disrespecting Joshua.  I am loving him with every ounce of me. 

And for the record. 41 days is NOTHING.  I haven’t even begun to look at my reality, my husbands reality and DEAL with it.  And that’s ok.  Like many people that love Joshua, this Saturday is going to kick my ass, I want to run away and pretend it isn’t real, but this Saturday it will be real.  When I look at Kim, Sandy, Jake, Harmony, Dave, Grandma, shell, all the family, all the friends, it’s going to be real.  Let’s be kind.  Not put on a front, not fake it, let’s really be kind.  Let’s accept, heal, and love each other.  I think Joshua would like that.   

This is me.. this is what is happening on the inside.  Please don’t judge me by my cover. I’m doing the best I can.

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