Thursday, January 31, 2013

Say What?

Mr. Mompean and I met for the first time 15 years ago this coming April.  I invited him to my apartment.  That was VERY DANGEROUS. He brought me pizza.  That was VERY TASTY.  He had been bragging about how awesome this pizza was and said that the only way he could truly prove it's goodness is to share it with me.  That's when I gave him my address. BAD ME.

I would go nuts if Sarah ever did what I did, it really was not a smart move on my part, however, there was something that made me trust him.  Maybe it was the gazillion hours we clocked via email, instant messages, and phone conversations.  Maybe it was that I had my besties in position, ready to knock the doors down if they didn't hear from me by a defined time.  Either way, I did it and IN THIS CASE, it turned out amazing.

Mr. Mompean came over that night and we have been inseparable ever since.  I think it's safe to say we were both instantly smitten with each other. When I wasn't working, when he wasn't taking kids to UC Davis Medical Center, when I wasn't studying, when he wasn't recording... we were at each others side.

In just a few short months we couldn't help but share that we were, well, we were in love.  I loved hearing him say it as much as I loved telling him.

Neither of us were in a rush to get to a chapel per se, but I wasn't ruling it out.

And then...

Kim said this...

"I want you to know that I will not even think about talking about thinking about getting married for at least two years."

BUZZ KILL!

I wasn't quite sure how to take that.  I mean, I wasn't looking at rings or planning honeymoons, but what the hell is this two year thing?!

I was torn between admiring his rational, smart, wise thinking that I AGREED with and being completely irritated, disappointed, and frustrated with the lack of romance in the statement.  

He went on to say that things were INCREDIBLE between us, that he felt connected in ways he hadn't before, that he felt love in his heart, that he loved my beauty and was enraptured with my spirit, all of which I loved hearing.  He also said that this was the honeymoon stage - the fun part of our relationship where we are still unwrapping parts of each other (mom, that was a metaphor - he still hasn't seen me naked - ever).

He continued on by saying in two years time we would slowly get more comfortable and life would present opportunities for us to see each other in many different ways. Happy, sad, mad, hurt, angry, rational, irrational, and everything in between.  Until we see each other completely there is no way to know if we would be good in a marriage.

BUZZ KILL TAKE D'EUX!

I think he may have been introduced to the pouty part of me at that moment.

However, I knew he was right.  Like him, I had already been in a long term crappy relationship. I didn't want a repeat of that.  If it's time we need, it's time we should give each other.

Just a few short months after THAT talk, Kim saw me in pain.  I was terribly ill and required full care... he cared.  A few months after that, I saw Kim in hurt. He was terribly worried for his son's health and required full care.  I cared.  A few months after that we saw each other angry. ANGRY! Like super mad angry.  We both eventually moved back to caring.  And sure enough, over the course of the next several years we experienced talking. listening. fighting. disagreeing. hurting. fighting again. loving. caring. threatening. aching. Then back to caring. Always back to caring.

In those two years I shared all of me.  He shared all of him. We loved each other despite everything we learned about each other and because of what we learned about each other.

It wasn't for an additional 4  years that Kim asked me to marry him. 

14 years we have been together, 7 of them have been married. April 28th we will celebrate both, the day we met and the day we married.

And you know what... now more than ever the words that I once thought were a BUZZ KILL are actually very inspiring to me.  In some ways they are even romantic. They are words that I will share with my son and daughter when I talk to them about relationships. 

Why?

Because for me and for Mr. Mompean, by agreeing to wait on getting married the focus shifted from getting married to building a marriage.  There is a difference.  Anyone can get married. But the marriage piece, the part that comes after the fancy wedding day, that's where the romance really is.  We love each other.  We saw each other at our best and our worst and STILL CHOSE to be married because we knew our "marriage" would work.  

For the record, I am not saying it is wrong to jump in and get married -- everyone has to choose what is right for them.  I know people that got married right away and they are married to this day.  But according to statistics, it's rare. The key, I think, comes down to the due diligence of knowing each other completely and then deciding to love each other despite of and because of who we each are individually and who we become as a team. 

Then again, maybe I'm wrong :)  







1 comment:

Thomas (& Laura) Hodge said...

NICE. Two years. That's what Tom tells anyone who has a relationship "crash."
The Church tells us that people who cohabitate have a HUGE chance of marriage failure. Aren't we (you and us) fortunate to be exceptions?
Love you,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoetc.