Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Rough Patch

This post comes with a disclaimer. The disclaimer that I am about to type straight from the heart and right off the top of my brain. I am just gonna let my fingers loose on the keyboard and trust that they capture, to the best of their ability, what it is my brain is thinking and what my heart is feeling.  

This post is likely to be a little messy, discombobulated, contain some grammatical errors, and will for sure have at least 3 typos. It will also be honest and raw... and for me that is the most comfortable way to write. If I think to much, if I try to pretty things up, or worry that I will be misunderstood, I wouldn't write. And I don't want to NOT write. That ain't me. And with that warning, here I go.

Lately our household has hit a rough patch. The husband and wife that live here keep bumping into one another in ways that are both joyful... and not so much.

Most the time we are doing well, at the same time. We have those days that make us feel like life is the greatest. The absolute best-est. And while we may not have everything (or everyone) we want, we have more good than we know what to do with and we feel blessed and joyful... and right. That's most days.

But some days we are the opposite of all of that. We are both grumpy, sad, aching for what we miss, wishing for what we don't have, and generally bummed out. At the same time. These days suck.  We had one of these days yesterday.

But, the one thing that stays constant is that we love each other. We may not always see eye to eye and we aren't always happy with how we each behave on some days, but we love each other. We fell in love over 15 years ago and made a conscious decision that no matter what, thick or thin, we would choose love. 

Lately it seems like we are having to "choose" it just a little bit more. We have to roll up our sleeves and tune in to each other and really get a pulse on how each of us is feeling and decide that we are going to love one another through it all.

It's tough because I think sometimes we both want to just tune out and let life roll by for a little bit, not caring too much for ourselves, let alone each other.  

Sounds bad... 

Because it is.

But there is a reason.

We are creeping up on almost a year from the day we lost Joshua.  A year from the day that a DAD lost his SON. A year from a day that a stepmom lost a bonus son. A year from the day that I watched my husband feel the most pain I have ever seen him feel in all of his life -- and the crappy bonus: I can't fix it.

A year.  Yet it sometimes feels like yesterday.  

Both Kim and I are trained Marriage Family Therapists.  Heck, Kim is working as a therapist 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. We both KNOW what we are going through, but the heart still feels what it feels and doesn't always care about the logic of it all. We are first Joshuas's Dad, stepmom, and family -- and we lost him.  And we could give a rats booty about the seven stages of grief... all we know is that we miss him. Every day. And it hurts.

Over the last year we felt such a huge range of emotions and have dealt with a lot of crap on top of the worse thing ever (losing a child)... and while the world has moved on, we have not.  In fact, funny thing is, we have been crying a lot more in the last few months than we cried in the first few months.  Lots and lots of tears. I suppose we are starting to allow ourselves to feel the loss in a way we hadn't before.

For me I am a flippin' mess because my best friend for over 16 years passed away just 7 months after Joshua, a short 3 months ago.  That wasn't supposed to happen.  It wasn't part of our plan.  Gina was a woman that lost her son 5 years ago to a tragic accident (while on vacation with me). She was seeing me through all this - she was my confidant, she was helping me to feel what I felt and to understand what Kim was feeling - and now she was gone.

I was (am) devastated!

Oddly, I feel/felt like I had to be quiet about missing Gina... I don't want to intrude on the pain her daughter and her family is experiencing... I didn't want to burden Kim because he is (we are) still mourning Joshua... so I tried to keep quiet, but it eats at me.  I have tears in my throat all most all the time and I feel like I have no where to turn.

So I put on a happy face.

Kim puts on a happy face.

And together we try... try to be whole despite the fact that we are broken.

Together we try to pick up our little pieces of our broken worlds. A billion little pieces strewn at our feet and together we bend down to pick up the pieces while still loving our children, paying our bills, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes.. you get the idea.  

And then there are these people that have NO IDEA how hard we are working at picking up these little tiny pieces of our life. They have NO IDEA that we are trying with all our might to move forward when really all we want is to lay down.  They have no idea what is happening on the inside. And these people come tromping around, stomping on our hands as we work... telling us to do more, be better, buck up... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

It takes every ounce of purposefulness to not just lay down and give up. Instead, we both keep trying.  We both keep choosing.We keep choosing to move forward, do more, be better, to buck up... and to love one another.

It's tough. And sometimes we don't do so well... but as I said in the beginning, we are committed. And we will help each other to pick up those billion little pieces that fell to the ground almost a year ago. Together we will put it all back together and fall in love with the beauty that is now.

So yea, we are in a rough patch... but not for one second do I doubt that we have far more laughter in our future than we have tears... and together we will keep moving forward.. and we will always love one another. We will ALWAYS choose love.

To anyone else out there going through their own rough patch, I really really want you to know that you also have the strength to get through it all.  I really really want you to know that you are not alone. I really really want you to know that if you need to vent... I am here. If you want to talk about the pieces of your world, I am here.

So there you have it... the pull-back to my life. Thank you for giving me the space to be me. Oh, and if you are wondering why I would share all this... let me share what I believe.  I believe that truth telling, being real, being brave and being honest is healing.  I also really don't want to feel alone.  So if I put my real, brave and honest self out there... maybe I can feel better sooner, and maybe, just maybe someone will understand me.

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